If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
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I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”