Do robots dream of electric sheep?
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The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Friday night party time 🥳
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.