CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
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[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.