You Might Also Like
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos