WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
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[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.