CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
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I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
When I said I liked it rough.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
concern
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Hey Fugeddaboutit