nature’s most graceful animal
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[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
[adds another nod to the conversation]
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
bought wrong eggs
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.