My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
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[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
same energy
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
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