Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
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Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.