Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
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mom had nothing to worry about
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone