[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
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Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Oh thanks BBC.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*