Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
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Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
I like long walks away from everyone
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.