*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
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best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
that colleague who touches your screen
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?