Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
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Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest