I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
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I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.