my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
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[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
im 7 sauces long
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
*puts words between two asterisks*
mumsnet is amazing
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?