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Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
I’ve had worse
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”