Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
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I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Cucumbers Anonymous
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.