me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
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[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
screw you
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
This is I, Robot all over again
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.