The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
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Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode