I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
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thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Imma just leave this here…………
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England