i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
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It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Y’all know who you are.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.