ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
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When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Can’t stop laughing
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d