If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
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Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.