If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
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“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now