There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
You Might Also Like
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.