Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
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Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.