It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
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shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
necessity is the mother of invention
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.