“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
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Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.