When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
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You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.