My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
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A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
buys donuts instead
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.