When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
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Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
My wife gives the best headache.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast