My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
You Might Also Like
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this