Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
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KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
My beach vacation Google searches
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Is this you?
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
🤣🤣🤣
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?