“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
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Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos