Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
You Might Also Like
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5