I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
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[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Netflix: We have Less
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.