Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
You Might Also Like
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids