“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
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Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once