The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
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listen closely
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*