my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
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[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Just ordered me some pizza!
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*