Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
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if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
I am HOWLING at this
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve