Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
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Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock