Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
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My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
I finally found a reason to live again.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?