I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
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[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band