They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
You Might Also Like
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name