I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
You Might Also Like
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair