Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
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Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Wednesday
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?