I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
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I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.