Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
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My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
no their not
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Denise please return my vape pen
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.